So I Always Act Like I'm the Best (Cause I Feel Like I'm the Worst)
by kikitheslayer
Summary: When Lilly died, Veronica's world changed too hard and too fast, and she had to change herself just to keep up. When Veronica died, Lilly's world seemed content to stay the same, so she forced it to change with the most "Lilly" smile she could muster. (Or: The Lilly lived/Veronica died AU)


Title from "Oh No" by Marina and the Diamonds.

She searched for blame one day, sat at her white desk, hands clasped in front of her. It was like a math problem, one of those extra credit ones Mrs. Slate handed out when you finished your classwork early, all logic more than numbers.

At first the answer was Veronica. That lasted all of five seconds, though, because how gross do you have to be to blame someone on their own murder? No, Veronica's only crimes were bad timing and loving her best friend.

Then it was Logan, maybe. If he had never kissed Yolanda, she would never have kissed Aaron, and Veronica would never have seen her kissing Aaron. There wouldn't have been a confrontation, there wouldn't been an ashtray, there wouldn't have been screaming, and crying, and Aaron shoving a shovel into her hands.

She blamed Duncan like this for a while, too. If he had dealt with Veronica like an adult instead of giving her the silent treatment, maybe she wouldn't have been looking for Lilly that day.

But no, in that case you may as well blame all of them for being born.

So that left Lilly. Of course it was her. More screwed up of all of them, especially Veronica. Sweet, good Veronica. If she could find any consolation in this - and she couldn't - it was that Veronica got to go while she was still pretty, kind, whole. Neptune took her down, but it never changed her. (But then, what did Lilly know? Maybe just under the bubblegum surface, Veronica had been just as messed up as the rest of them.)

She woke up the day after in a silk-sheeted bed with a lump in the pit of her stomach. She cracked open her eyes and stared at the white ceiling of her bedroom, her blonde hair fanned across the pillow, her arms straight at her sides. She wondered if that was what she would look like dead.

She doubted it. Veronica's body has been bloody and contorted, a smashed-in skull leaking red stuff Lilly didn't want to think about. By the time Aaron was thrusting a shovel into Lilly's hands, Veronica's hair was dirty and matted, her pale skin streaked with dirt.

Lilly was pretty sure she was going to spend the rest of her life trying to forget how it had felt.

Her heart had been pounding, thumping in her ears and drowning out every sound other than Aaron's voice. She hadn't stopped crying for the two hours it had taken to drive to the remote, wooded area, and her hands were stained with blood now turned brown.

Aaron was holding a gun, and she was digging a hole. She was struggling to breathe through her sobs, and the shovel chafed her hands, but she dared not stop. They tossed in Veronica's body, filled in the hole with loose dirt, and got back in the car.

By now the sun had dipped low over the horizon, the sky bleeding orange (but not _bleeding_ , not like Veronica was bleeding, not like Lilly's hands were bleeding, not like Veronica was bleeding...)

It would be dark soon, and Lilly knew, as much as she knew Veronica's death was her fault, that she was next.

Her phone rang, the sound of her and Veronica's amateur Spice Girls cover drifting from the purse by her feet. She answered slowly. Aaron fed her lines.

Halfway through explaining to Jake where she was, she lost it. "Aaron did it," she screamed. "He killed her!"

Aaron snarled and raised the gun.

She crashed the car.

She ran.

Two hours later she was wrapped in a trauma blanket in the police station, still unclear of how she had gotten away. There were bright lights, and something warm shoved into her hands, and so much yelling.

And now she was all cried out and just _tired_. Aaron was locked away, at least for tonight. She had shakily explained everything to Jake over the phone, but the cops were still waiting for her statement. She felt vaguely that she should give it as soon as possible. (Something about finding the body in 24 hours? Was she making that up? Did that count if you already had a witness, and the body was buried and unrecognizable?) She figured it could wait until tomorrow. She slouched against the seat and shut her eyes. Jake and Celeste had something to do with Duncan, but had promised to be there ASAP. But right now, she could loll back her head and…

Her eyes snapped open. "Hey!" she called in a hoarse voice. A cop working the nearest desk slowly made her way over.

"You okay, darling?" she asked.

Lilly sat up straight and leaned forward. "Keith Mars," she said quickly. "Is he here?" She was jittery, glancing this way and that. Given her recent bath of sweat, blood, dirt, and tears, she suspected she looked insane. For once she didn't care.

The woman nodded. "Came in soon as he heard. He's on the phone with your father now. You want me to get him?"

Lilly shook her head emphatically. "No," she said. "Um… I-" She stopped and took a breath. "Tell him I'll talk to my dad, okay? He can take all the time or- or whatever."

The cop gave her a puzzled look but nodded.

When Keith eventually stormed out of his office, all muttering and loud footsteps and tears she couldn't bear to think about, she was still pretending to be asleep.

After the murder, there wasn't all that much change to Lilly's life, and even less to Neptune as a whole.

Yes, she was peppered with interviews, and paparazzi, and had at least one movie deal. And yes, basically every newspaper and tabloid in the country had covered her story. (The articles fell mainly into three categories: stupid teen slut mixed with scandalous murder, poor troubled girl gets best friend killed accidentally, and the ones that cared more about Veronica than her. Those were the rarest. Veronica hadn't been rich or sleeping with her boyfriend's dad.)

But on the whole, she was still rich, and white, and blonde, and popular. She was viewed as a slutty airhead, but that wasn't exactly a change. Duncan, Logan, and Veronica had known better, but now…

Well, she and Logan weren't exactly on speaking terms, Veronica was gone, and Duncan had become more and more distant and basket-case since the murder.

It was one of the second kinds of articles that actually tipped Lilly off to her situation. It wasn't that she hadn't realized things were the same, but reading one more article about her volunteer hours (lie on the part of Jake Kane), popularity (not a lie, but not really something to celebrate), and bright future (lie on the part of everyone involved), she finally felt her blood boil, the anger she had been repressing for the last two months bubbling up to the surface.

Lilly winked at duncan across the lunch table. "Ready to see something amazing, doughnut?"

"You're insane," he sighed, but he reached into his backpack and handed her a purple plastic megaphone.

"Thank you," she said with a smile. She got to her feet quickly, raised an arm above her head, and yelled playfully into the cone, "Eyes on me, everyone!"

Once she was sure she had everyone's attention, she said, "Thank you. Now some of you may remember the tragedy earlier this year. Well, I have more details to share with you all. They're about you." She paused for effect. "You're _all_ fake. I know you're friends with me because of my dad. I do have ears, you know. I know what you say about Veronica and me. And it's cool!" She shot finger guns at a random sophomore. "Totally. But now I'm going to talk about _you_. Do you guys know Stacy dies her hair? And Madison, did you make out with Jess' boyfriend last month or was that Megan? Oh, my bad, it was both of you. And Hank, what's with thievery? You don't think Mike is so dumb he'd never notice you taking his money? Please. And Ken, don't even get me started on the weird stuff _you_ like."

She paused, taking in the angry chatter that had risen around her. "Well, that's all for now. There's more coming, though, so, you know. Be on your best behavior." she grinned, handed the loudspeaker back to Duncan, and cleared her tray. Walking away, she made eye contact with Logan. She looked away first.

Shelly Pomroy's party was the next week. She didn't go. Someone wrote "slut" on her windshield anyway.

Strangely, that was the closest thing to a scandal from Neptune High that year. Lilly slapped Logan upside the head when she heard about his bum fighting ring, and somehow used a combination of guilt and fear to keep bullying down. Her magnum opus in this respect was, of course, herself. The trial dragged on, and she pulled out testimony after testimony, making sure she never cried, never wore anything revealing, was never anything but a put-together young woman. She wasn't about to give the tabloids more ammunition, or worse, let them humanize her. ]She had no desire for an article about "the girl behind the scandal".

She had cornered Jake in the kitchen. "I think there should be a fountain," she informed him.

He gave a questioning look.

"For Veronica," she explained. "A memorial. We could pay for it." After another moment of silence, she rolled her eyes. "It'll help you get ahead of the scandal."

He sighed and rested a gentle hand on her shoulder. She kind of wanted to slap it away. "Whatever you need, sweetie," he said. "Whatever will help."

Her mouth twisted into a frown, but she said simply, "Thanks, dad. I have homework."

"You're Lilly Kane, right?"

She batted her eyelashes at him. "You've heard of me?"

"Sure, everyone has."

"Don't I know it." She extended a hand. "And you are?"

"Wallace Fennell. Nice to meet you."

"Tell you what, Wall. Ten minutes of conversation where you don't mention any articles you've read about me, sex acts I may or may have not have done, like, say, sleeping with my boyfriend's father, and you don't have to thank me for cutting you down from a flagpole."

He grinned. "Cool deal."

"I think you're my new hero," Lilly said, falling into step next to the dark-haired girl.

Mac glanced up. "Can I ask why? Or is it just my general air of awesome?"

"Purity test, obvs. Genius."

Mac looked suspicious. "You figured it out?"

She shrugged. "I was curious. Not too hard to figure out."

Mac sighed and shifted her armload of binders to dig in her pocket. "I guess you want your money back?"

Lilly shook her head. "Didn't take it. Figure my position as "queen slut" is kind of guaranteed, huh?"

Mac shrugged. "Fraid to say so. Not totally your fault, though, when you think about it."

Lilly cocked her head slightly. "Thanks, I guess."

"Loved your cafeteria stunt, by the way."

Lilly smiled. "Thought you would."

Mac extended a hand. "Mac."

"Lilly."

"I've got some thoughts about your hair dye, by the way."

"You're gonna suggest pink, aren't you?"

Lilly grinned and rested a hand on Mac's forearm."See? You know me already."

She stood with her arms crossed over her pink tank. She looked completely out of place, but not ill at ease. "Come on out out loser," she said with an eyeroll.

Weevil followed her. "Hey," he said, exiting the cell. "This your way of trying to get back on my good side? Sorry, princess, but this ship has sailed."

She shook her head as she stepped up to the desk and signed the last of the papers. "Can't a girl pay a former lover's bail without an ulterior motive anymore? Anyway, I thought you'd think the whole Aaron Echoll's thing was hilarious." She lowered voice slightly. "Not the… Veronica thing, obviously, but the Logan Echoll's father thing."

Weevil shrugged and walked backwards toward the door. "You're a cold lady, Lilly Kane. That's all I'm saying."

 _No_ , she thought, as she handed back the pen, _a really cold lady would have asked you about that new "V" on your wrist._

Lilly was pretty sure that if you took a random poll, eighty percent of people would say she was making a mistake.

She had been hiking it across the empty campus of Neptune High after finishing extra time on a test. It was empty, and raining, and she was going to miss her bus, so she was trying to go as fast as possible. That didn't stop her from looking at the Veronica Mars Memorial Fountain. Nothing ever stopped her.

And the facts that the boy standing in front of it was her ex-boyfriend, that she had had an affair with his father, that he seemed to be crying, and that she was arguably the cause of the death he was crying over, didn't stop her from walking over.

She stood next to him, silently. After three minutes, she rested a hand on his shoulder. After six minutes, she said, "Sorry." After eight minutes, she walked away.

A long time later, they were okay.

"She was probably our sister, why do you keep forgetting that?"

"That's not-" Duncan stopped. "I just… it's hard. I mean, you miss her, right? Don't you think it's a little soon to ask anyone out?"

Lilly pushed herself off his bed. "Meg is pretty, sweet, smart, likes you, and is neither dead nor related to you. Think about it." She had the door open to go when she looked back and added, "you gotta get over Veronica someday, you know."

She winked at Meg across the dance floor. She sort of doubted she would ever take her own advice, but Meg was beaming, and Duncan actually looked happy, so she figured she could set her own angst aside right then.

"So what do you think of Jackie?"

"I think I want to be her best friend. Seriously, Wallace, date this girl. You could use some more risks in your life, anyway."

"So?" she asked. "Thoughts?"

Wallace grinned from his spot on her bed. "It's great, Lill. Really cool idea."

She smiled and plopped down next to him, wrapping an arm around his shoulders. "It is, isn't it? How do you think I should contact first, Warren Buffett or Bill Gates?"

Wallace pretended to think for a moment. "Hmm, if only you knew someone rich is real life."

She laughed and rolled her eyes. "I _know_ my dad will go for it. He's wrapped around my finger even more these days. But I'd like to get other investors."

He nodded. "You might want less glitter in the presentation."

"How _dare_ you."

(The Mars Foundation would end up extremely successful, eventually helping women across the country escape abusive and dangerous situations and providing support to thousands of young girls.)

Lilly cooed as the baby gripped her finger. It was soft and happy and one of the only babies she had ever seen not crying. Which was maybe pretty weird given the circumstances. "She's beautiful," she whispered.

A moment later, she looked up. "I think it's been proven by now that this town preys on innocence. You have to get her out of here."

Duncan nodded gruffly and took back little Veronica Kane.

The summer after her first senior year she did something she had spent the year very carefully not considering. She swallowed her pride and walked into Keith Mars office. (Detective agency, that was. His daughter was gone, his wife was gone, his job was no exception. She had kept her promise, but it all turned out to be a little too much for Keith Mars, and the word of a seventeen-year-old, even a rich one, wasn't worth much when the numbers were down.)

"Lilly," he said, when she sat down in front of his desk. He didn't look up from the pile of papers he was shuffling through.

"Mr. Mars," she replied, trying to keep her tone both steady and polite.

"Keith," he replied, eyes still focused on the desk.

"Right. Keith." She hadn't actually thought through to this point. Well, she had, but then she'd given up and decided to wing it. "I guess you know I'm here to…" She took a breath. "Apologize or something? I don't know. Sorry."

He nodded. "You haven't changed much, have you?"

Lilly smiled weakly and shrugged.

"Well, thanks for coming, I guess. Veronica always said you were smarter than people thought."

She couldn't tell by his voice if he believed her or not, so she shrugged again.

There was a beat.

He slid a closed file across the desk to her. "I need surveillance on an 09er party tomorrow night. You think you could help me out?"

"I'm not exactly tangled up with that crowd anymore," she said.

He nodded, and reached to take back the file. She grabbed it before he could.

"But I could crash it."

For the first time in what felt like years, Lilly Kane saw Keith Mars smile.

"You don't have to do this," said Wallace from his position on her bed. He was reading some article about some sport Lilly didn't care about.

"Now, Wallace," she chastised, holding a green dress against herself in the mirror, "I know you're not just saying that to get out of helping."

"Now, cause I don't need to. Cause I don't have to either. I mean it. Like, I'm sure Veronica was amazing, and I probably would have been her friend, but it's not your fault some dude killed her."

"Nope!" she said, reaching into her closet to swap the green dress for a blue one. "I'm just the idiot who slept with him."

He shrugged. "At least to me, if some creepy famous dude sleeps with a minor and then kills her friend to get away with it, it's not either of their faults."

Lilly shrugged. "Well, blame aside, I'm helping him. It'll make Celeste go ballistic, if that's any consolation."

Wallace rolled his eyes. "Whatever, Kane. How about you _can't_ do this? You think Madison would let either of us waltz into her mansion?"

"It's a Sinclair party, not a Madison party. There's a ninety percent chance that there'll be some many people there no one will look our way."

"Easy for you to say."

"Come on, Wallace, put you in a suit and I would take you right here. They'll probably just assume we're Madison's friends."

He sighed. "Fine, whatever. But I am not crawling through any air vents."

She pouted. "Not even if I asked you to?"

"Not if you and Mac both started crying. Falling through Madison Sinclair's ceiling? You can't come back from that. Literally. I think I'd get tazed."

Lilly laughed.

If Celeste was unhappy with Lilly's new hobby, she kept her mouth shut. And if Lilly sometimes woke up in a cold sweat with a weird feeling of guilt and images of Veronica fresh in her mind, she only told one person.

It was a slow day at Mars Investigations. Lilly's feet were propped against the front of the desk, and she was pretending to read a case file but was actually inspecting her nails. "I'm thinking of asking my dad for a camera," she mused. "Like, a real one. Thoughts?"

Keith shrugged. "I wouldn't object." After a moment he added, "I don't have Veronica old camera anymore, but she loved taking pictures." He gestured to the desk. "She was good at this stuff, too."

Lilly swallowed, keeping her down. "She didn't talk about it," she said. "Or I didn't listen. I wish we'd gotten to talk about it."

"I think she would have liked that."

Lilly looked up, meeting his eyes. "Sometimes I feel like I stole all of this from her," she said in a rush. "Like, Veronica would do just as well with these friends and detective work and stuff, and I only have it all because she died." She glanced back down, tracing under a word with her finger. "We probably deserve to have switched places. I mean, I made the dumb decision. She was just in the wrong place at the wrong time."

Keith said nothing for a moment. "I'm not going to say what you did wasn't dumb, but it wasn't your fault. And I think… Veronica wouldn't feel like you were stealing from her. I think she'd be happy for you."

Lilly gave him a small smile. She blushed a little. "Thanks."

"No problem. And Lilly?"

"Yeah?"

"Make sure you get a good one, okay? Don't let Jake cheap out. Best camera money can buy."

"Will do."

Lilly Kane was not responsible for Veronica Mars' death.

It had taken a lot of time to get used to, but that was it.

Still, she knew that this was something she owed the Mars family. If not because of guilt, because of kindness, because of love. She shredded each page of the contract individually, watching in satisfaction as it tore into ribbons. It had been a couple years since Veronica's death. Lilly still wasn't sure what she was doing next. But she knew it involved getting the hell out of Neptune, and never, ever selling the Veronica Mars/Lilly Kane story. Veronica didn't need a bloody on-screen death. Keith didn't need people going through his personal life for his late daughter's darkest secrets. Instead, Veronica got a clean fountain, and a handful of people who missed her dearly. Keith got a locked up Aaron Echolls, and if not another daughter, a protege.

She liked that word, she thought. It made the future open up with possibilities. Such as: Lilly Kane, PI.


End file.
